May
2014
Tribute Token
My father burst into the room like his life depended on it. Behind him were my mother and sister weeping. Tears began violently running down my face uncontrollably. The three of them embraced me and squeezed me as tight as they could until I was not able to breathe. Then my father took something out of his pocket that was wrapped in cloth. As he took the cloth off, I looked at my family and thought. This might be the last time that I ever see them.
I glanced down and in my father’s hands and saw a miniature model of one of the trains my father built for the Capitol. He said, “We want you to take this to remember us.” They all assured me that I was highly capable of winning. However, I knew that most of the people in the Hunger Games were going to be tougher and quicker than me. I had no chance at winning, but I was not just going to give up. I told my family I loved them and I would see them soon as they were practically dragged out of the room. At that point, I was aware that nothing and no one was going to be able to stop me from winning the Hunger Games.
4rebecca
May 19, 2014 at 6:12 pm (10 years ago)I thought that the post was a little short. I also wish that you had described the train in more detail, like why it was so important, what colors it is, or something like that, you just kind of announced what the gift was and moved on. I liked the idea of a train, but I really want to know why, overall I thought the post was okay, it just needs more description.
4mollie
May 19, 2014 at 6:19 pm (10 years ago)I agree with Rebecca, the post was short and I also think that the train should be described in MUCH detail since that is what the post was supposed to be about. The attention getter was also weak because I don’t think it makes sense to describe someone bursting into a room as if their life depended on it. Maybe you could have said something that was saying how your father looked. Also, their were a few grammar mistakes that could have been easily fixed.
shelby4
May 19, 2014 at 6:21 pm (10 years ago)I think that you may need to put a little bit more detail into the entire thing and involve your senses and emotions more for next time. You also forgot the quotation marks around “This might be the last time that I ever see them.”. Some of the sentences were a bit choppy and others were short and didn’t help make me, as the reader, imagine this scene. I did like your token though, but you could have gone into more detail about it and its features to help the reader imagine it as it would look in reality.